woensdag 11 april 2018

Be kind and full of LOVE...
but have boundaries like a mother*cker!

Life is hard, but in this case it is not your fault. Peoples bad decisions have gotten in the way of you having an easy going time and I wish I could help. I wish my words have gotten to you the way they have gotten to others, But I understand why they haven't. I am trying my best to convince you that you are doing an amazing job and that everything is going to be alright, but you are not okay. You are 'fine' or 'alright'. I just want you to be happy, I want you to be okay. We were so happy. You said it yourself, just like I did.

I do miss it already. Even when it was a few days ago. I am Catholic and do believe in something but not sure if a God does exist as I have never seen him myself. But sometimes I do ask for something or someone out there to take away the stress and a few others things followed. I hope he, she or it listened.  

I am sorry I am not the best at things like this. It is funny but in all honesty I do not really know what to say. I guess the writer or chatter box is finally at a loss for words. I am sorry if I am not helping enough like you'd expect me to, but I am trying. All I can do now is try. Same as you. I hope you are okay, well I think I know at some point you will, but if not, I hope I can make you okay again. Happy, again. I will always long to hear you smile again. I wish people could keep their mind to themselves sometimes. This whole thing is not on you, literally none of this is your fault but you are having to live your life day to day thinking you have got fix everything even though you are not the one who messed up. 

I am sorry you are going through this, you and your family. I am sorry it has to be this way. I wish my apologies meant something but they don't. The person who should be sorry is not. And I wish there was something I could do about it, but as I have learned. There is not. As I said once I am here for you through all of the good and bad times. I promised you that I am sticking to it, even if you get so slow that not even I could make you smile, I would still try.

Because I love you and want nothing more than to make you happy, to make you okay, to make you smile. I know this may suck, but until you are happy I do not think I can be either, at least for now. I cannot bear to hear you sad in pain or at a loss for reason. I am here giving you purpose, giving you advice, giving you reason. I hope something clicks and will all make sense. I hope you relax and take a deep breath. I hope my voice gets to you and I hope you are okay. I wish you were okay. I wish you were happy. More than fine, more than alright. It is okay or it is not. And sometimes fine and alright justify as not. I am sorry this is happening. I cannot say it enough. But, I am here always and forever. 

Until things get better, because if I can help one day, things will get better. I love you. I am here for always. 

You will be okay, I promise.

"Don't expect too much from people because you'll always end up disappointed... and don't overthink, because that is the type of thing that could destroy you."

Dedicated to Diogo Manuel Vaz de Oliveira
22.04. 1991  -  06.04.2018

donderdag 1 maart 2018

Done with love

It is really sad when you hear people saying ‘I am done with love, I am going to be alone, I am going to be single etc.'

Reason why I find it sad is because there is so much potential for the people out there that say that. And when they say it, for me it is like handing over your potential and saying ‘hey, I am done now. I can never be what I really want to be.’ Of course not everyone shares the same opinion when I say I do see this as an area of potential.
And reason for me saying that is not that you should value yourself based on the relationship or based on the person that you are with but... because there is so much potential to grow around the people we allow ourselves to be around, by the relationships we get ourselves involved with. There is so much opportunity to find out more about who we are. Find out more about people in general. Human nature. There is so much ability to share experiences in the world with someone that is really magical because you cannot quite experience the same thing on your own. But really the potential to discover life in new ways and to grow through the pain of relationships. For me relationships are potential whether they go right or wrong. Relationships just mean potential.
And it is quite sad how people do give up on it because they had past experiences that have not worked out right. And so to say that you hear it quite often especially from woman that man are a certain way because of what they have been through in the past. And that is where some say that they are done and cannot go through the same “cycle” again.
But… we do not have to go through the same cycle we have been through. We could go through a different cycle. But a different cycle will require us to be in a different mindset. It requires us to go at with a different approach. It requires us to try something new. To take risks we never took before.
I am a big believer that in relationships we get the chance to be the person that we want to be. And to me there is where the real experience lies! It is not about every time it is going to go right because by the way there will be moments where you will keep doing everything right, but there will be someone that will still do you wrong. Someone will cheat on you, lie to you, they will do something that will upset you and that can happen in any relationship even when you do things right.
Not because you are doing something right and the other person wrongs you it means you should stop doing what you are doing. Because you start to think that giving your all is not enough. That is not true. Your all was not perfect for that scenario but would have been perfect in another scenario.
We just have to have in our mind what is the big picture and what is the big goal. If the goal is to get it right every time, then that is the problem. Because you cannot get it right all the time and eventually you will say that enough is enough and that you cannot do this because you will never win.
Your goal just has to be firstly that you will be the person you want to be in this world. If that calls for a certain amount of warmth, generosity, affection, being flirtatious, giving intimacy… then you should tell yourself that I am going to allow myself to express those things. If someone does not want to take it the right way or would like to betray me with those things, that is fine because there is always a possibility of that. But then you move on the same way you do with a business deal.
Sometimes you trust someone in a partnership or even just an employee for that matter and they wrong you and you have given them that trust, you get rid of them and you basically move on and just go to the next deal.
It is just like in relationships you start by being who you want to be. And you filter out the people who you know that are doing you wrong.
Instead of making relationships this big goal and thinking: this is going to be my life partner, this is going to be the person I want to have a family with. Instead of going at it like that all we have to do is put it down a notch. Those are all just a biproduct of incredible moments with someone. We need to look to achieve moments and not grand visions, which is just a biproduct.
The best experiences are the ones that are shared. The ones we have with people along the way. So if we take the pressure of something having to be this vision of a life partner and just chunking it down to the immediate moment you would like to have with someone. For e.g. I would like to have a great conversation with someone, I want to cuddle with someone, I want to share a smile with someone or I want go to a café and have a tea and flirt with someone and so on. It just all starts there. You had one amazing moment with this person, what might the next one be. It is just a series of moments that will lead to that ultimate place. And for me this is what makes it so exciting! You just really need to focus on these moments and you do not always need to focus on the big vision all the time.
The big vision always creates overwhelm and makes us feel like a failure every time whenever we have a false start.
I do not need you to go out now and say I will find myself a life partner. But what I do want is for you to have the courage to have and create a great moment and you should not deny yourself that connection just because one part of you feels that there is no hope or this is not going to go right. Instead put your excitement and energy in immediate moments in front of you. Because who knows it can turn into something magical if you open up yourself enough to let it happen!

zaterdag 16 september 2017

Self worth

Yesterday I had the most interesting conversation with a stranger while in Central Park in Manhattan, New York. I did not expect that from a few simple and so called basic exchange of words a proper conversation could developed.

As the conversation progressed, it ended up to be the start of a very brief conversation.

I was asked a question by a man who I did not know and who was quite persuasive: 'What kind of man are you looking for?' I was very quiet and a little stunned for a while before looking him in the eye and answered his question with another question, 'Do you really want to know? Because I am surely not planning to hold back on giving you my answer'. Without being hesitant, he said 'Yes!'

I began to expound and just said, 'As a woman in this day and age, I am in the position to ask a man what can he do for me I cannot do for myself? I pay my own bills, I take care of my household without the help of any man or woman for that matter. Therefore I am in the position to ask, 'What can he bring to the table?'

Of course, this man just looked at me for a few seconds without saying anything. So clearly he must have thought I was referring to money. At least that is what I thought... So quickly I tried to correct his thought and stated, 'I am not referring to money if that is what you think, I need something so much more than just that. Something more than the material stuff. I need a man that is striving for excellence in every aspect of life in general and not only his own'.

After I finished my last sentence, again, I got the same look. As if what I said was really peaking his brain. He sat back on the bench folded his arms and asked me to explain what I actually meant. And again, I did.

I told him, 'I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I do not need a simple minded man. I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I do not want to feel as if we are unequal... believers mixed with non-believers is a pretty good recipe for a disaster, don't you think?' Even though I have asked a question, I did not wait for his reply. I continued.

'I need a man that is striving for excellence financially because I do not need a financial burden. I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game playing are not my idea of a strong man. I do not want to waste my time on someone that likes to play around and pretends to know what he wants when he actually doesn't, as his actions speak louder than his words. I need a man who is family orientated, because one day I do want to have a family with this man and him being the father of my beautiful children. One who can be a leader, someone who will practice what he preaches and will be a provider to the lives entrusted to him. I need someone whom I can respect and even look up to. I cannot fully surrender myself and be submissive to a man who is not taking care of his business. I do not have a problem being submissive... he just needs to be worthy! Of course a man who is confident is great, but being competent needs to go with it as well. And by the way... I am not looking for him. He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. Maybe not fully, but in bits and pieces. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will be drawn to me. I can't help a man if he cannot help himself. In a relationship, I need a man who's going to call me out, not someone who's going to let everything slide. I need to feel that  he doesn't want to live without me, but can. Not somebody that is dependant, but somebody who is stronger with me. This is the relationship I visualize to have. It consist of two people, not just one. We will be a team. I will be his woman and he will be my man. He will not only be my partner but my best friend. It will be us against the world'.

Once I finished without being interrupted I just looked at this person in front of me. He set there with a puzzled look on his face, which honestly didn't surprise me. He then followed up that look with, 'You are asking a lot!'.

Which I replied, 'I am worth a lot!'

"Every human has four endowments - self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom... The power to choose, to respond, to change."
By Stephen Covey

maandag 7 september 2015


I have no fear of loosing you or secretly just a little bit, but for you aren't an object of my property nor anyone else's. Sometimes you can fall for someone without attachment, without fears, without conditions, without egoism. 

When you have gotten from one point to another but haven't gotten a clue how you got there, may be something that you cannot explain neighter is it a guarentee. But every time that particular moment emerges it is the honesty that makes it a moment without regret.

I am not trying to absorb you and therefore I will never try, because it is something I would never want to do.

I love you freely because I love your freedom, as well as I love mine.

It's maybe the similarities that are attracting... Maybe it's the opposite that does or maybe a little of both. But you are you and I am me.

Dedicated to J.C.S

woensdag 31 december 2014

'Let this upcoming year be better than all the
others. Vow to do some of the things you've 
always wanted to do but couldn't find the
by Ann Landers

Goodbye 2014 - Hello 2015
My hope for you!

As it took me some time to finally start writting again, here is the first and actualy last blog for 2014. But what should I write? I think my mind is going rapid in thinking what to write or how to even start. What I can say, is that I am sure that when the clock hits 12:00 at midnight on this very day you can only look back on what happened in the past year. For some it was a lesson and for others, just "practice". Either way it grows us! And of course by midnight you have the chance to write a whole new book with 365 pages of what you want! You hold the pen and you decide whether it will be a story worth reading because it became reality or just another fairytale you only dreamt of. But either way, make your decisions count!

But what is a new year? For everyone it has a different meaning. But for me, it is a time to get my options clear and to make a decision to do what TRULY makes me happy! And how do you get there? Well, I guess it's easy. Because you must take each day as a new opportunity to keep moving forward on what you want. Stop looking for what will happen in a year but more what will you do each day you awake to change, to move forward and not look back, to put into action knowing that each day wasted can never be found again. Each day is a new beginning, the chance you to do it with what you should be done and not be seen as simply another day to put in time.

LIVE YOUR LIFE and make it so much more than just a dream! Turn all those dreams into a realistic plan and where you are able to take steps even if it's only one action to keep you your dream traveling forward and not stuck on the tracks with no power to the wheels. For example: wheels of a train can only move forward with energy and that energy must be directed to the wheels. So just like a train, life moving forward needs YOUR energy directed to life's wheels. Because each revolution of the wheels, each revolution of your steps keeps the train and your life moving; Do not waste energy!

And last but definitely not least, MY HOPE FOR YOU...
In the coming year may you find happiness, use your abilities to solve problems and challenges and not fight against them; hope, may you always have it, never lose this; goals, to always keep you focused on your dreams and your heart desires; And succes, by solving your problems, focussing on your goals and always having hope and I do promise good fortune will find you.

woensdag 10 juli 2013

The impact "they" have

It's been quite a while since I have written something and actually posted it for the "world" to read. I guess my mind was never really at peace nor did I feel centered in a long time. Some times it's funny how a family member, a friend, an acquaintance, a complete stranger or even a kid can have an impact on your life. These people can either have a positive or negative impact on your life... but I always say that it is never the second but the first. Because a lesson is never anything negative but it is something that only built you up and forms you.

In life I made mistakes. Some of them I am not so proud of. Some I did even though I had enough time to think it trough and so on. But I do know that they are mine and I own them. 

Getting closure is overrated because I guess there is no such thing. There are always another 'why's' and more 'ifs'. In the past I met some amazing people who I go to, if I feel a little lost... these people never tell me what I want to hear. Instead they tell me what I don't want to hear and what they know I want to do instead. 

Surprisingly someone who I never thought of meeting, I met. It might have been faith or not. Maybe it was or os meant to be or not. But sometimes there is just this "something" which you cannot explain. I guess some times people just cross your path for various reasons. 

And even though I knew it myself, this stranger made me realize even more that in life you have to accept the fact that you cannot change certain things and people, regardless of how much you care. There is nothing wrong with wishing the best for somebody, but sometimes you have to realize that keeping them close to you is not always the best thing to do for you. There won't be no hard feelings. It's just life. And there is no point in wasting your time or someone else's.

This is a "concept" that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that does not mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another,  attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.

I thought I didn't like romance as much as I thought but I love the feeling of being in love. And everything else that comes with it. And yes, I am someone that is looking for love. Real love. The ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, cannot live without each other love. 

And as much as you may think you want something you just know when something is not right. It's never what the mind is thinking but it's always what the heart is feeling. 

'If it feels right, do not question it, love with all your heart, do not think too much... but do cherish the feeling and keep it and of course try not to let go! Because maybe you may lost the best thing that ever happened to you without realizing it because you were too busy counting the stars that you missed the moon.'